Always in my head
by liLIAnDM
Summary: After the episode "For the defense". Give it a chance!


**Hello everybody!**  
 **I am currently obsessing over Law & Order. I am kind of in love with Linus Roache and I have stumbled upon him in L&O. I love his relationship with Connie Rubirosa, they had so much potential and since the beginning they had me hooked. Anyway, this story is my personal therapy because I needed something more from them. It take place after the episode "For the defence", I adored the way Linus Roache played Mike Cutter, particularly the way he talked about Connie with Jack in his office... Well, here it is. Please let me know what you think with a review! (And sorry for the mistakes you might find but english is not my first language)**

* * *

 _"I think of you, I haven't slept  
I think I do, but I don't forget  
My body moves, goes where I will  
But though I try my heart stays still  
It never moves, just won't be led  
And so my mouth waters to be fed_

 _And You're always in my head  
You're always in my head"_

 _-Coldplay, Always in my head-_

Connie couldn't remove Woll's words from her mind. She was home now, stretched on her couch, the tv was on but she wasn't paying any attention to it. She and Mike decided to take the night off and start tomorrow with the load of case jack poured on them after the conviction of Marcus even if McCoys suggested they started right away "It wouldn't be a problem to work together all night, would it?". They shared a look and she smiled at Mike, she felt like she owned him some kind of apology, for what she wasn't sure.

She wasn't breaking Mike's heart, was she? They were good friends, they were colleagues. Often they had lunch together either in the office or in a little diner at the end of the street: they used that time to discuss the case they were working on or something else always work related. She found him funny and witty, he made her laugh with his sarcastic remarks. And he clearly enjoyed her company too but was he really feeling something more for her?

Marcus surely knew how to make her mind go overdrive. She tried since the beginning of their working relationship not to let her attraction to Mike be obvious. When she first saw him he almost hoped he was just Jack's friend happening to pass by the office to say hello. He was smartly dressed, a blue suit with a white shirt and a red tie. His hair short and slightly combed to one side. His eyes a clear blue, his hand was warm and soft when she shook it while he introduced himself with an easy smile. "I am the new DA, please call me Mike. I hate the formalities." And that was it for her, he was out of market and, some stumbles aside, she did a good job keeping her attraction at bay. They couldn't risk their working relationship if things ended badly between them as lovers.

Damn Woll and his manipulative words. She stood up and began pacing trying to make order of her frantic thougths.

* * *

He couldn't believe he rambled like that in front of Jack McCoy of all the people. He wasn't thinking clearly. He felt overwhelmed by a sense of jealousy and yearning. He also couldn't believe she had standards as low as Marcus Woll, she could do so much better. It was unbelievable.

Since day one, in Jack's office, he was enamoured by her. Her high cheeks, her brown soft eyes, her body, her extreme intelligence had bewitched him. He wasn't one whose attention was easy to pick up, beauty alone didn't do much for him. But she was a full package and he was only a man. He harboured those feelings for a full year before acknowledging them and then he tried his best not to ruin their friendship. It was important for him to have her as assistent and as well as a friend.

But when he was alone at home, like now... well his mind liked to torture him imagining things that will never happen. He had his rule about sleeping with colleagues and he will respect them for everybody's sake. She was so out of his league he didn't even know how to begin if he wanted. Whenever she was near he could feel his heart beat a little bit faster and when she flashed him her smile he could feel the blush on his neck spread toward his face. He shook his head at it, he was like a teen with his first crush. Pathetic.

However his mind tonight took a different route, a more sadistic one. It kept playing Woll and Connie in a bed together over and over again. He tried to sleep it off but it was even worse so he was nursing his scotch, sitting at the dining table he never used and watching the city that never sleeps through his window. One of those lights out there was Connie's and he couldn't stop thinking about what was she doing. Was she alone? They didn't share much personal information in the past but she never mentioned any boyfriend. He scoffed to himself, why would she mention to him then? They were friends but they respected the imaginary line he draw himself between them. God, he was such a fool. A forty years old mooning over a beautiful woman, a forty years old lawyer who did everything in the courthouse to win but who was a coward outside of it, never making a move to win the woman he had feelings for. "Pathetic excuse of a man" he said to himself taking a long gulp to his drink. He got up to refill another one, he knew the only way to sleep tonight would have to be alchool induced, so be it.

He just had his second glass full when there was a knock on the door. He didn't receive visit at home very often so he cautionary looked through the spyhole and almost let the glass fell to the floor. He opened the door and Connie looked at him like not expecting him to be there. "Hello" she said after a moment of awkwardness.

"Hi, Connie. What are you doing here?" he asked without moving from his spot.

"I brought dinner" she simply said, raising her hand and showing him a bag of take out. Something italian, he seemed to recognise the name from somewhere. When he didn't speak, she looked down at her shoes and shook her head smiling shyly "Maybe I have choosen the wrong time... I'll...I'll just go home. Sorry, see you tomorrow Mike" she said turning toward the stairs once again.

Those words seemed to shake him from his stupor "NO! " he almost screamed causing her to jump. "I am sorry, please come inside. I am famished now that I think of it" he gestured with his arm and she smiled once again, seeming relieved. He smiled back just because he coudln't do anything else.

He tried to compose himself, he never had her at his flat before and having her tonight here of all the night seemed so cruel.

"I tried to sleep but I couldn't so I thought about going out and eat but I didn't want to be alone and you were the first person that popped to my head... I am sorry if I interrupted your evening" she rambled placing the food on the table and he found her absolutely adorable.

"You dind't interrupt anything, Connie. You've saved me from a nasty hangover in the morning that's sure" he said, raising his glass to show her. She smiled and he tried not to stare. He diverted his eyes from her lovely face and turned to take the glass in the kitchen but her voice stopped him.

"Can I have it, if you don't drink it anymore?" she asked. She wasn't a drinker but she was in a funk and she needed the alchool.

"Sure, let me pour you a glass" he said, looking at her before moving to bring her a new one but her hand on his arm stopped him in his steps.

"No, let me have yours" she said in a husky voice that even she didn't know where it did came from. She was having a hard time trying to decide what was the right thing to do. His skin under her hand felt soft and smooth but masculine and strong. She could feel his muscle harden underneath when her nail ranked on it and she suppressed the shiver coming from the fact that she was having this effect on him.

Mike was looking at her, unable to move or look elsewhere. They tried to avoid close contact as much as they could, another unscripted rule of theirs, and yet this whole ordeal was changing their dynamic quickly and he didn't know what to do. For the first time he wished he was more like Jack, take a decision and then think about the consequences whatever they might be.

Connie removed her hand from his arm and took a sip of the scotch and he couldn't stop the thought that she had placed her lips exactly where he had his not two minutes ago. It had his head spinning and his neck flush, he just hoped the room was dim enough that she couldn't see it too. He cleared his throat "Did you take the application with you? Or did you just pity me?" he asked with a light malice before looking at her hurt expression and decided to smile to lighten up the mood and cover his slip. She recovered quickly and went to the window trying to put some distance betwen them.

"No, I... I don't know" she concluded lamely.

The silence in his house was thick for a couple of minutes and he find himself looking at her back for a long time before he heard himself ask in a hushed tone "Why him?". He could see her back stiffen from where he was and almost regretted saying it out loud but clearly he had reached his breaking point tonight.

She didn't turn right away, she couldn't really face him so she took a couple of minute to formulate her thougths. "I... He was passionate about his work. I liked it. No need to deny it now. I was...naive, I guess."

He nodded to himself knowing that she couldn't see it. "I see" he just said placing his hands in his pockets. She turned then and looked at him who seemed deep in thought. She knew he was having a hard time trying to understand but she was younger and she didn't really think about the consequences and now she was paying for it. "Am I breaking your heart, Mike?" she asked looking at him.

He winced, his eyes wide "What?" he chocked.

Connie placed the glass on the table and took a step toward him. "Marcus...he said that I was breaking your heart...That you didn't know I was available, is that true?"

How could he ever answer to that question? Answering it meant changing everything between them and he didn't want her to risk what she had achieved with hard work and sacrifice for him. "I don't know what are you talking about" he tried to put all the confidence in that sentence but he knew he had failed miserably. He put his hand in his hair lightly pulling them, something he always did when he was nervous. She took another step toward him and he took one away from her. A hurt expression passed on her face and he knew he had screwed up once again. "Connie" he just said but she interrupted him and her voice shook slightly.

"No, I am sorry Miike.. I don't know what I am doing." she said trying to smile but he could see the tears in her eyes and felt like an ass. She was moving quickly for the door and he once again found himself acting on instinct. He didn't even register moving but he found himself with a hand blocking the door and one around her slim waist.

They were breathing fast "Let me go Mike... It's a strange night, I better go home" she still had her hand on the doorknob but he knew that if he let her go now, he would lose her forever.

He placed his forehead on the back of her neck and took a deep breath. He didn't move when he started to speak. "I wanted to strangle him. When he told me about you I just wanted to punch him in his stupid face" he whispered "I was so.." He tightened his hold on her waist and he felt her hand cover his arm, anchoring him more to her. They were walking on a fine thread and it was scaring. "I... I couldn't think straight knowing that he had the chance to have you, to hold you, to kiss you" he felt before heard her intake of breath at this "And I never had the courage to do anything"

"Mike" she said in a hushed tone that somehow soothed him.

"I want that, Connie. I want to do all that and more..." he confessed and he could feel his heart pounding in his ears.

She felt her chest expand at his words. Mike never talked much about his feelings or his personal life. Putting himself out there like this for her was breathtaking. She tried to extricate herself from his arms but he wasn't letting go so she just turned and faced him never losing contact with his body. She put her hand on his cheek, his short beard tickled her palm. He was forced to look into her eyes afraid of what he could see there."I want that too" she said in a reverent tone looking into his blue irises. Her words almost having a physical impact on him and he almost took a step back but she didn't allow him.

"Do you?" his tone betrayed his usual self confidence and it was a startling revelation to her. She just nodded and his arms pulled her closer still. The shift in him was evident as much as his previoius fear of rejection. He slowly closed the distance between them before lightly putting his lips on hers. The kiss was hesitant at first, almost like each expected the other to come to his sense but then it grew in intensity and passion with him backing her into the door. It was always him who gentled it back before putting his forehead on hers. His eyes were still closed and she took the oppurtunity to study him, his expression serene, his boyish looks more prominent on his face thanks to the light blush that colored his cheeks.

A moment later his blue eyes were staring into her brown ones. "We will make this work, won't we?" he asked but he seemed already sure of the answer. She nodded causing his head to move with hers.

"We will" she just said before losing herself back in his kiss.

 **THE END**


End file.
